How I think Requiem should have started
by SunnyhairedAuri
Summary: Hey this is just a little thing I wrote in the lead up to book 3 Requiem being released. Before the 1st chapter was available for preview, me and my friends thought it'd be fun to write our own first chapters, so here's mine!


I wake up with a light thought; the touch of hope, of life, lifting my eyelids gently. _He's alive. _But when I take in the empty room, the walls seem to close in around me and reality comes crashing in, everything I've lost falls on my heavy heart with a weight so oppressive that I have to shut my eyes again. Out of instinct I begin to push the feelings away, push the way Raven taught me; but I stop somewhere in the middle, not sure if I want to be the old Lena or the new Lena anymore. The new Lena is hard, cold, changed. The new Lena found love in a dark, dark tunnel with a boy who she shouldn't have. But the old Lena, she found love in amongst the music, the beauty, the revelation of the world. She's full of joy and wonder and innocence, the question is, how far gone is she? And can I ever get her back? Lost in this space between two people, I become someone else, someone without either the joy of the old life or the wisdom of the new. I become a shell of what I once was, and as I dress and get up I know that this is not someone I can be for long, I'm going to have to make up my mind.

The breakfast table is set for four, and I stare at the place where Julian should be sitting. He's been gone for so long; you would think that I would stop noticing. He was right to leave, after that fight we had, after the truth came out, after _he _came back. I just thought it would be easier to stop loving him once he'd gone. I remember the promise that I made that day, looking straight into his crystal blue eyes, I had told him we would stay together. And then the unthinkable had happened and everything had changed. That fight, that awful, awful fight, those final words he'd thrown, very fairly, back in my face before he'd left – they still haunt me.

"You don't understand." I'd said. "I love you both, in very different ways. I was different then, I've changed."

"But you still love him?"

Those eyes, burning, right into my heart with a sapphire flame.

"Yes" I whispered. "I still love him. I never stopped loving him, but I love you too. I don't know how to explain it; I thought he was _dead _Julian."

"But he's not. He's very alive and he's standing in the next room. And I can't do it Lena, I can't share you. I've risked everything to be with you, you have to do the same for me."

I opened my mouth, closed it again. Then I closed my eyes too, needing to escape the present for just a moment. He asked too much of me. He didn't know what it was like, loving someone so very, very much, spending each and every day defying the law to be with that person. The running, the fear, the sacrifice. Alex gave up everything for me too. Those days of denial, the days I only got through because of the thought of him. So many long days. You couldn't just lose a love like that. And, even with hard eyes, printed numbers and scars, I knew I couldn't give Alex up. Knowing that he was _alive, _that I could be held in his arms again, and that I could look into those warm amber eyes again, it was too much to let go. After so long of thinking I would never see him again in my lifetime, to be given it all back, I couldn't throw that away.

"I'm sorry Julian." I said, my voice husky with emotion. "I can't."

"Then forget it." He shakes his head, tears fill his blue eyes and he's so hurt but I can't comfort him, I can't give him what he wants. "You know, I really thought we had something, all the life saving and open defiance, I thought that proved it. I guess you really don't care. I'm leaving Lena, I can't stay here, I don't want to see you again, not after this. I'll leave you alone from now on, I promise. And that's a promise I won't break."

"Morning Lena."

My thoughts are interrupted by Raven, who eyes my untouched bowl and spoon suspiciously before opening the fridge. "Is everything ok?"

"Everything's just fantastic." I respond sarcastically, picking up the spoon and then realizing that I don't have anything to eat. As I get up another person enters the kitchen, his head bent low so that all I can see is his hair, a crown of autumn leaves. He looks up. My breath catches as his eyes meet mine, and I swear he can hear my heartbeat it's so loud. After all this time, I still can't believe he's really here, really stood next to me. But his eyes are darker than before, the honey has hardened, and he quickly looks away. He hasn't forgiven me. Not yet. Maybe not ever.


End file.
